the key

I have been making so much progress on my journey. I have made many much needed changes and have truly been focusing on me for the first time in my life. And it feels incredible. Also, thanks to the help of “the witch doctor” I have uncovered and dealt with many of the emotional blocks that I know have been holding me back my entire life. So why am I feeling so sad? Why do I feel so angry, afraid and frustrated?

With significant change there is bound to be some uneasiness and uncertainty along the way. Let’s face it….I have completely revamped my life. I ended my marriage, I changed career paths, I’ve moved twice and about to do it again for a third time, and I started and recently ended another relationship that began shortly after my marriage ended. So to say that there is not a certain level of uneasiness with all this change would be nonsense. But this feels very different. It’s as if something is staring me right in the face and I am just not seeing it. What is it that I am missing? What is it that I am feeling this way about? Is it something from my past? Is it something I’m facing or not facing in the present? Is it anxiety and uncertainty about the future? I have no clue!!!! All I know is that it is a very unsettling feeling because I get the strong sense that the peice that I am missing is the one peice that is detrimental to how quickly and how successfully I move forward. It’s the key…I know it!

I have been trying to figure out where these feelings are coming from, and I can only come up with three possibilities….none of which are giving me that “ah-ha moment” that I am looking for:

  • Am I angry with myself for the failure of my marriage? Am I blaming myself? Was it all my fault? Did my own fears bring the issues that ultimately caused the marriage to fall apart?
  • Am I angry that I don’t have peace or closure with my marriage? Am I angry that I hid so many of our issues from our families and friends, even myself because I didn’t want to face the consequences that I just wasn’t good enough?
  • Am I angry with myself or afraid that I just ended what could have been an “even better” next best thing? Did I learn from the mistakes I made in my marriage or am I just repeating them and acting again out of fear? Fear of trust, fear of getting hurt, fear of how others will judge my choices, fear of being alone?

I am so confused and wish I could uncover what my issue is at this point. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above which is why I can’t get the clarity that I need. I just wish that there was something that I could do to shake this feeling. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness, so why am I keeping myself from it? I just wish I could address what’s bugging me so that I can deal with it and move on. It’s so hard to find the perfect balance in a situation when you can’t see the source of the imbalance…all you know is that it’s there.

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About the writer

So yes, you've guessed it...I am in the process of getting divorced. Now surely I've had many challenges along the way, but I can honestly say that it has truly been the most eye opening experience of my life. Although it's never what you plan or hope for and it can be truly devastating when you realize it's happening, but it can also have a silver lining if you look for it...once you get through the guilt, anger, self-loathing, several pints of Haagen Dazs and a crate or two of wine of course. My divorce not only got me out of a very unhealthy relationship, but it also opened the door for me to reshape my entire life. So after a year of loafing, I am getting my ass off my couch and into gear to transform everything that I know has not been doing me any justice in my life. I went from trying to be the perfect daughter to trying to be the perfect wife, constantly accepting that which was imposed on me and living my life on auto pilot. Well, all that is about to change. 2012 is finally over and the new year is here, and this will be the year that I change my life and make it what I want it to be. This blog will document my experiences and hopefully help other men and women in the same boat to find some sort of inspiration. I would also like to hear from those of you who have some tips, advice or inspiring stories of your own to share. For many of us, just knowing that there are others who have lived to tell their stories with somewhat of a happy ending, is inspiration enough. Happy New Year!!!

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