After a several weeks of silence I am sitting down to write this post. I don’t know when I will finish it but surely it won’t just happen on its own so I figured I should at least take a crack at it. I’m not certain but I think I have just experienced my first true case of ‘writers block’. I’ve picked up my laptop several times to write something…anything! But nothing would happen. It was as though I was in a complete disconnect with any thought or source of inspiration. Although extremely annoying, it wasn’t at all a mystery as to why it was happening.
It seems as though in the last few weeks I have reached a pivotal moment in my spiritual growth. The typical fork in the road scenario where in one direction the road is flat and clear and the other, an unmarked, beaten road filled with rocks and debris. Unfortunately though, you know that the flat and clear road will only keep bringing you right back to the same place, making sure that you keep running around in circles. I chose the beaten road…and I’m still on it. The beaten road is simply the road to continue on this spiritual journey, and to be committed to face the challenges that it presents me with courage, in order to live a purposeful life. The flat and clear road would only have been the road back to life on autopilot, living according to the values of others and not taking my own values, passions and aspirations into any further consideration.
I am having to face many of the skeletons in my closet and come to peace with all of them. One by one I am tackling each and every limiting belief that has kept me running in the same circle my entire life. The same circle that has always brought me back to the same fork in the road, decorated along its path with all of the forgotten dreams and the broken relationships that came to be along the way as a result of living life on autopilot. But in this period of reflection I definitely learned something. I noticed a perfect pattern. One that has been consistent throughout my life and is also consistent with everything that I have learned in the last year about life, love and abundance.
You see, our heart always wants what is best for us, as does the universe. And both the heart and the universe will continue to present us with the same challenges, mirrors and lessons until we recognize them and learn from them. Only then will these lessons stop coming back to haunt us. Or at the very least, it will put an end to all of the angst and anxiety that comes with trying to deal with them because we have already learned that we can. The important thing is that we need to love ourselves enough to look deep within ourselves and see what it was we needed to learn from our challenges. Where did we walk away from challenge in fear of failure? Where have we hurt or mistreated others in the same way that we believe that we were hurt or mistreated? And where have we been repeating the same mistakes over and over again, thinking that it was the right thing to do, only to end up right back where we started?
Looking at ones’ self objectively enough to admit where one has made mistakes and ultimately contributed to creating a life that did not serve their purpose is no easy task. In fact, it is a task that requires total honesty and humility, and maybe even a little abstract thinking. Perhaps the faces, details and situations that our own crimes against our heart were disguised in were quite different. But the feelings were the same and most importantly, of the same degree. This is much harder to do than it sounds but it is necessary if you want to find the path to a fulfilling life.
So I have spent the last few weeks literally dissecting every negative emotion I have been feeling to find its origin. Every moment that my emotions came bubbling to the surface I took a good hard look at every time that I could remember that I felt that way, what was happening, what or who was supporting me, and what the outcomes were. It wasn’t long before the pattern was clear. I needed to love myself enough to believe in myself and not cling to the people in my life like life rafts. Since my separation one year ago, the universe has stripped me of almost all of my relationships. Either permanently or by just putting obstacles between us that made it difficult to connect with them…usually when I thought I needed them most. My heart wanted me to have the time to learn to love myself and to not need anyone. It’s okay to have people in our lives that we love and care for, but need is not love. Need is dependence, infatuation and selfish. Most importantly, need means that you do not love yourself because your self-worth is defined by the relationships you have with those around you.
This is what creates the vicious circle of constantly doing things to please others, thereby creating a false sense of self-worth. One that can only be sustained by continuing to please others, letting our own dreams and aspirations take a back sit until everyone else in our life is pleased. This process continues until we completely lose sight of who we are and what we want, and ultimately feeling like a total failure. As we all know, we can never please everyone, which makes this the ultimate unwinnable game. The only game that can ever really be won is the game in which we strive to win the approval of our heart. At the end of this game, there will still be those around us who are pleased and those around us who are displeased. But at the end of THIS game…WE WIN BECAUSE WE ARE PLEASED WITH OURSELVES.