a trail of clues

After my big “lesson in courage” at the doctor’s office this week, which I torpedoed home to write about, I have given my journey much thought. I’ve realized that my biggest mistake so far on this journey has been denying that love was ever a part of it.  Love is my most important value and denying that does me no justice.  Of course there are many different kinds of love.  There is the love that you feel when; you are having a special dinner with your family, when your laughing it up with your best gal pals, when your sister gives you a much needed shoulder to cry on, when your puppy wakes you up with a kiss on the nose, when a random stranger surprises you with an act of kindness, and even when you are watching the happy faces of children playing in the park.  But then there is also the love that you feel that someone that knows everything about you.  The one that knows all of the good, bad and the ugly and yet still manages to love you unconditionally. This is the one that you can enjoy the adventure that is life with, without ever being made to feel that you have to change who you are.

Although all are equally important to me, I have been denying the latter.  Not out of bitterness or resentment, but so as to not distract myself from my own truth seeking journey.  But what I realize now is that whether I choose to focus on it or not, it will always be important to me. And in order to live life in true happiness and fulfillment, we must give equal attention and focus to all that which we value most.

Now, having re-examined the events of this last year, I realized that whether or not love was a focus for me, my journey was giving me many clues for when the time came that I was finally ready to observe them.  These clues, were not only clues to my own highest values, but they were also clues into what it is I truly wanted in all of my relationships.  The clues came with people who have come into my life in various ways since my journey began.  Each one of them brings with them an important piece of the puzzle, and neither one can hold a candle to the other for they are each very special in their own way.

the friend

Believe it or not there are men that you can share your inner most thoughts with.  And they’ll even share their own thoughts and feelings in return.  This is one of them.  This man has been one of my closest and dearest friends, and at many times my guiding light. He is not afraid to share his feelings and he has no interest in “fitting in”.  He can always be counted on for the truth, even when the truth hurts. What you see is what you get with this one, and what you get is nothing short of a great friendship.

the dancer

Night after night we will spend going from one Latin hot spot to the next, tearing up the dance floor until the lights came on and it is time to go.  We are intuitive with each other’s style and the dynamic seems to bring out the best in both of us. Don’t get me wrong, dancing is one of my greatest passions and something that I am more than happy to go out and do on my own.  But there is something so inspiring and carefree about being able to share that with someone that you feel a closeness with.

the lover

Ah the lover! Need I say more? This man is a lover with every ounce of his being. Most notably with his heart. Everything he does, he does with great love and passion, in all areas of life. He speaks in poetry and with intensity, and he never ever afraid wear his heart on his sleeve.  One kiss from this man and you might very well forget how to spell your own name….even your first name.

the adventurer

From sky diving, to white water rafting, to back-packing through Europe, this man has done it all. He is all for ‘sucking the marrow of life!’ This was a line made famous in the movie the ‘Dead Poets Society’ and one which has stayed with me ever since. You can count on this man to be up for almost anything and he will never hesitate to step out of his comfort zone for the sake of experience and adventure.  In fact, I’m not even sure that he even has a comfort zone.  What I am sure of is that his passion for life and adventure is completely contagious and inspiring.

the brave heart

This man is courageous and chivalrous, and what little do I know of his life is evidence of that.  Although he has had to face many challenges in life, I believe it is those very same challenges that have made him the successful man he is today.  Sure there are many men who find success in life, but are they really brave? In my own opinion, bravery is leaving behind all that you know and that is comfortable and safe, just for the smallest chance at something better with no guarantees that you will ever find it.  Most of us will never find the courage to make that choice.

So how do all these clues come together?  I have no clue.  Will I get any more? Most likely. But for now, all I know is that they are important for one reason or another.  The reason is still TBD.


About the writer

So yes, you've guessed it...I am in the process of getting divorced. Now surely I've had many challenges along the way, but I can honestly say that it has truly been the most eye opening experience of my life. Although it's never what you plan or hope for and it can be truly devastating when you realize it's happening, but it can also have a silver lining if you look for it...once you get through the guilt, anger, self-loathing, several pints of Haagen Dazs and a crate or two of wine of course. My divorce not only got me out of a very unhealthy relationship, but it also opened the door for me to reshape my entire life. So after a year of loafing, I am getting my ass off my couch and into gear to transform everything that I know has not been doing me any justice in my life. I went from trying to be the perfect daughter to trying to be the perfect wife, constantly accepting that which was imposed on me and living my life on auto pilot. Well, all that is about to change. 2012 is finally over and the new year is here, and this will be the year that I change my life and make it what I want it to be. This blog will document my experiences and hopefully help other men and women in the same boat to find some sort of inspiration. I would also like to hear from those of you who have some tips, advice or inspiring stories of your own to share. For many of us, just knowing that there are others who have lived to tell their stories with somewhat of a happy ending, is inspiration enough. Happy New Year!!!

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