It was the perfect day! I spent the day at the beach with my BFF going through the usual order of hot topics; sex, fashion, food, dreams, ambitions, and general grievances…in that order. Then I watched as Mother Nature unleashed the perfect storm before my very eyes, in all its glory. Last but not least, I managed to get in a little Friday night dancing to get that much needed rush that can only come from tearing it up on the dance floor. But something was different tonight. I suddenly felt the urge to leave at an unusually early hour and head home. I drove with the windows down and my radio turned up, feeling on top of the world. It would also seem that what I was feeling was quite contagious, as I noticed that people were dancing in the streets to the music that was pouring out of my car. But as I reached home, I suddenly felt and overwhelming need to turn the car around and head back to the beach.
The beach was dark and desolate, and the trees were swaying in the winds left behind from the storm that moved through hours before. In the horizon was the most spectacular lightening show you had ever seen. It was lighting up the sky like explosions over the water, as bright as dawn. Yet the storm was so far it was silent except for the whistle of the wind through the trees. That’s when it hit me. Sitting there, in my car watching the lightening dance in the distance, I felt a quiet sadness.
I don’t know where it came from or what triggered it. It was a sadness with no face, no name and no place. It came so sudden and before I knew it I could feel the tears building in the corners of me eyes and my heart slowly moving into my throat. This was quite the change from the euphoric high that I have been on for the last few weeks. Everything was going my way, and yet there I was fighting back tears, watching a storm that was miles away until the early hours of the morning.
At first I thought maybe it was the humbling effects of Mother Nature reminding me just how small I really was, in the grand scheme of things. But I very quickly I realized that wasn’t it. It was something else. As I sat there staring closely at the flashes of light, in almost a trance like state it came to me. Just like the storm that I was marvelling, there was another storm brewing within me. There was no negativity associated with it. In fact, despite feeling my sad, it was strangely comforting. It was a power… a force, from deep within that seemed to suddenly wake up and want to be let out. Only problem is I don’t know what it is. What I do know is that despite all my efforts to live according to my greatest passions, something is still missing.
I realize now that there is a part of me that I am still denying or holding back, and this is its way of making itself known. It is like I have a hunger that cannot be satisfied because I have no idea what it is that I am hungry for. It’s frustrating and exhilarating at the same time. Frustrating because I clearly need to figure out what it is, and exhilarating because I know that once I do figure it out, I will have the same strength and power as the lightening that kept me mesmerized for so many hours. All I can do at this point is know that it is there, embrace it and not be afraid of it. Eventually it will come to me, and when it does, it will surely be nothing short of spectacular.