After a much needed break, filming for the documentary began again last week and it could not have come at a better time. After my post “the perfect storm” I spent a lot of time reflecting, trying to figure out what it was that was still holding me back after all this time. One of my fears was my fear of attention, which oddly enough I figured out the next day after my very first dance performance. I was so afraid leading up to the event that I really did believe that I would vomit on stage. But as soon as I stepped out on that stage, for the first time in a long time I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be at exactly the right moment. I felt more alive and more powerful than I have ever felt in my entire life. That feeling stayed with me for weeks. In fact, it is still with me today and the power has transcended into all other areas of my life. Yet despite this and despite everything else that I have accomplished in so little time, there is still this underlying sense of sadness that something is missing. I spent days at the beach journaling trying to figure it out, ripping out page after page of useless words and phrases in my notebook. Finally one day there it was…clarity. My biggest fear and my greatest nemesis has always been love, and the list of reasons why I am so afraid of it goes on and on and on.
At the core there are two fears. The first is my fear that if I was to actually find true love, that it would make the people that I love feel unhappy and inferior in some way. Coincidently, this is the same reason that I feared attention for so long. Thankfully, I think I’m over this one, but only time will truly tell. The second fear is the actual fear of being “in love” and this one runs much deeper. It’s a fear of hurt, a fear of pain, a fear of control, and a fear of isolation. Most of all, it’s a fear of losing myself completely, never to be found again. All throughout my childhood I was surrounded by unhealthy relationships and I have spent a lifetime unconsciously doing everything in my power to keep love away so that those relationships would not happen to me. Ironically, I have managed to recreate all of the relationships that I have feared…funny how life can be a bit of a bitch that way!
Now as I sit here writing this post, I honestly don’t know which is scarier….the thought of trying to face these fears to find love or the thought of not trying at all. Both are equally paralyzing. However not doing that which we want out of fear does not bring us closer to our true purpose. In fact, the only way to live according to or true purpose is to do exactly that which we are most afraid of. Since this eliminates the latter, my only choice is to face these fears as ugly and as real as they are, so that I can finally be free to love. This in itself will require a lot more courage and strength than anything that I have ever done before, but fortunately for me my participation in this race is no longer optional. I have conquered so many fears already that to stop now would be the greatest crime against my own heart. And I do believe that someway…somehow…I will conquer this fear too.