Today I write for the first time in weeks, from a very quiet and sad place in my heart. When I set out on this journey, I set out to completely revamp my life as I knew it. I wanted nothing left of the old me…or more accurately, the understated and broken version of me that I had become. I wanted to change everything from my attitude, my job, my looks, my lifestyle…you name it. It may sound cliché but I really did just want to find myself again. My true and beautiful self that I had lost many years ago. But the one thing that I gave no thought to was love. At the time, I didn’t think that this was a goal for me. How can love be a goal? Isn’t it something that just sort of happens?
When I first sat in the witchdoctor’s office I remember her asking me “what is it that you hope to get from this experience?” And I remember saying things like “I want to focus on my personal growth, to have a healthier lifestyle, and to be more successful in doing something that I am passionate about!” And she looked at me with a strange and puzzled look on her face and said “You don’t want to find love”. At first I wanted to say no! That was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. But then I said “Aaahh why not? Throw that in to”. She laughed as if she knew something that I didn’t. Now, seven months later I really believe that she did.
In many of our sessions and exercises, we are asked to examine what are greatest passions and core values are. Every time I do these exercises, love always comes out on top for me, above everything else. If that is true and love is so important to me, why was I so determined to deny that it was something that I wanted? And in retrospect, it is probably the only area that I have made very little progress in. I seem to be well on my way to accomplishing everything else I set out to accomplish. I’ve even discovered more things that I am passionate about which have brought great success and fulfillment into my life, and which I am most grateful for. Love on the other hand is still a big mystery to me…a plague. And it’s not for a lack of trying, believe me! I’ve made several attempts to find it but something always seems to get in the way! There is always a catch of some sort just waiting for the right moment to make its presence known! It usually comes right after I say “Hey, maybe this actually has potential!” And then POOF! Just like that…gone like the wind! Like Captain Butler walking away in the mist!
It is said that if we want something and never seem to achieve it, it is because subconsciously we are not congruent with what we think we believe. In other words, I may say that I want love but somewhere inside of me I’ve created a negative belief or fear about love that subconsciously pushes it away every time I get close to it, as a way to self-protect. Herein lays the key! Is it the fear that I will lose myself in it? Is it the fear that I will be suffocated by it? Or is it the fear that it will be taken away from me and that I will never be able to survive the pain again?
Whatever my fear, I’ve realized now that love is my most important goal on this journey…my quest! And yet it is also my greatest challenge. And despite all of my success in the last several months and the contentment and gratitude that I feel within my life, this challenge is the reason for the quiet sadness that always looms in the background like a dark cloud which at any moment can unleash a storm. This is the one thing that is holding me back…I know that now. Unfortunately figuring this out was the easy part. The hard part will be to rid myself of the fear that keeps me disillusioned in this safe little cocoon that I have created, and to finally believe that love is safe so that I can finally spread my wings and fly.