the gift of silence

After months of not being able to write a thing, here I am tapping away at the keys again and it feels amazing!!

For the longest time I was unable to sort out a single thought in my head.  After months on this journey I was putting so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out and to have my life completely revamped.  There were so many things I wanted to accomplish and I was constantly focusing on the things that I hadn’t, some of which came so close I could literally touch, taste and smell them.  And then…just like that….poof!! Gone!! I really believed as though I was failing at something…that I must have been doing something wrong. Little did I know I was becoming my own worst enemy.  With all the thoughts and frustrations racing in my head, I could not hear my own heart anymore…my inner voice….my guide.  What’s worse was that I could not stay in gratitude.  Too say that I had no clarity would be an obscene understatement.  I was in a complete fog, constantly uncertain of my every move and every thought.  I was afraid.  I was afraid because I could not see the road ahead.  And my biggest mistake was allowing my fears to take the wheel. Then the silence came and it swept over me like a warm blanket.

As part of the web series, the entire cast along with a few other innocent bystanders, went on a three day silent retreat. For days leading up to it I was so stressed at thought of not being able to speak.  Me? Keep quiet?!?! For three days?!?!?!?! You have got to be freakn’ kidding me.  I thought for sure I would get frustrated after day 1.5 and leave. At one point I even considered backing out before it even started. I was ready to let me fear take the wheel again. That’s when my heart quickly took it back! And it made absolutely sure that I made it to that retreat come hell or high water, because it knew that I needed it more than anything.

Three days of silence was absolutely blissful. By the end of the three days I could hear my heart more loudly and clearly than ever before, and its words were unmistakable. And what it asked of me was so simple and yet it’s the one thing that I have never been good at. Patience! All my heart wants from me is to be patient because the changes that I want to make are not going to happen overnight. Things are happening for me and they are moving in the right direction.  And I am manifesting everything that I have wanted for myself. And everything around me is shifting to allow them to happen.  But I still need to grow, I still need to learn, and I still need to prepare. My heart wants me to be ready.  For with great accomplishments there comes great challenge. Where there is great pleasure there is always great pain. And if they come before I am ready I will surely lose. Such as I was losing the last few months, and falling into a pit of panic and desperation, losing my balance completely. My heart wants to know that no matter what life throws at me, that I will have the strength and the courage to maintain my balance.

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About the writer

So yes, you've guessed it...I am in the process of getting divorced. Now surely I've had many challenges along the way, but I can honestly say that it has truly been the most eye opening experience of my life. Although it's never what you plan or hope for and it can be truly devastating when you realize it's happening, but it can also have a silver lining if you look for it...once you get through the guilt, anger, self-loathing, several pints of Haagen Dazs and a crate or two of wine of course. My divorce not only got me out of a very unhealthy relationship, but it also opened the door for me to reshape my entire life. So after a year of loafing, I am getting my ass off my couch and into gear to transform everything that I know has not been doing me any justice in my life. I went from trying to be the perfect daughter to trying to be the perfect wife, constantly accepting that which was imposed on me and living my life on auto pilot. Well, all that is about to change. 2012 is finally over and the new year is here, and this will be the year that I change my life and make it what I want it to be. This blog will document my experiences and hopefully help other men and women in the same boat to find some sort of inspiration. I would also like to hear from those of you who have some tips, advice or inspiring stories of your own to share. For many of us, just knowing that there are others who have lived to tell their stories with somewhat of a happy ending, is inspiration enough. Happy New Year!!!

2 comments

  1. Kat

    What a beautiful post. Your words really resonate with my need to be more patient with myself. I lost my way recently and my fears took the wheel. Not fun and I am glad to be writing again. Thank you for inspiring me 🙂

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