free

They say that “if you love someone you should set them free and if they come back then it is meant to be”.  I don’t know that I can say that I love you but I do know that there are many things that I love about you.  But love is knowing all there is to know about a person; the good the bad and the ugly, and loving them for all of it.  As I only know a small part of you I cannot say that I love you.  What I do know is that I do love what I have learned so far.  And in an effort to be loving to you and to myself, I have set you free. I know that you were in a difficult place and needed some time and space to think. As for me, I would not be loving towards myself if I tried to convince you to stay.  Convincing you to stay would have only meant on thing; that I did not believe in myself enough to know that right man would come along, whether it would be you or someone else, and choose whole heartedly to be with me. Now, believing that you will soon be back I don’t know how I will react.  The irony is that we are both in the same boat but we are just sitting at different ends.  You say that you do not want relationship and yet all your actions say the opposite.  I believe that you do want that but that you are too afraid that you will need to give up too much of yourself in order to have one, because that’s what all your past relationships have taught you. I on the other hand I state clearly that I want a relationship however I continue to hide my emotions and keep my heart at arm’s length to protect myself from giving up too much of myself only to get hurt in the end, which is what my past relationships have taught me. I don’t believe in accidents and I don’t think that we are an accident either. I believe that we were sent to each other because there is a valuable lesson for us both in this relationship. I can’t speak for you but as for me, will I have the courage to face the challenge that is being presented to me? Will I be able to give my heart freely, openly and unconditionally without guarantee that I will not get hurt? I am terrified at the thought because you are so confused on where you are how can I possibly be able to calculate   the risk? But that is the point.  I am not supposed to calculate the risk.  I am supposed to follow my heart, not my emotions or my thoughts but my heart, and trust that everything will work out as it should.  I am not supposed to sit back at a safe distance and I am not supposed to hide my truth. I am supposed to be loving and honest and that scares me to death. But that is what I have to learn to do.  The question is, will I have the courage to do it when the time comes? I think if we are supposed to come together again, that this time apart for us is crucial for us to be both be prepared to face the challenges that lie ahead and to have the best possible outcome for both.  But again as there are no guarantees in life, who’s to say that we will for sure.  But if it is meant to be it will be.  All I can do now is stay in gratitude so that I can clearly hear what my heart is telling me to do. So know that I am not angry with you and that I do understand why you made the choice that you did.  Actually if I am angry with you for anything it is for not being honest about how you were feeling and talking to me about it. And even though I miss you and it saddens me that you felt that you had to make that choice, I know that one way or the other it was for the best. But I am still grateful that we met, grateful that we came together, grateful for the good times that we shared even if it was for just a short while, and grateful for all the things that I have seen in you that make me miss you.  Even the ones that get under my skin and frustrate the crap out of me, for I still laugh every time I think of them.  Most of all I am grateful for how comfortable and natural it felt being with you which is I think what scared me most of all. I hope you find your way and I hope that we get another chance when we are ready to face our challenges.  And if not I really do wish you all the best in life.  For despite what I said before, I do believe with all my heart that one way or another, only good can come of this…for both of us.

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About the writer

So yes, you've guessed it...I am in the process of getting divorced. Now surely I've had many challenges along the way, but I can honestly say that it has truly been the most eye opening experience of my life. Although it's never what you plan or hope for and it can be truly devastating when you realize it's happening, but it can also have a silver lining if you look for it...once you get through the guilt, anger, self-loathing, several pints of Haagen Dazs and a crate or two of wine of course. My divorce not only got me out of a very unhealthy relationship, but it also opened the door for me to reshape my entire life. So after a year of loafing, I am getting my ass off my couch and into gear to transform everything that I know has not been doing me any justice in my life. I went from trying to be the perfect daughter to trying to be the perfect wife, constantly accepting that which was imposed on me and living my life on auto pilot. Well, all that is about to change. 2012 is finally over and the new year is here, and this will be the year that I change my life and make it what I want it to be. This blog will document my experiences and hopefully help other men and women in the same boat to find some sort of inspiration. I would also like to hear from those of you who have some tips, advice or inspiring stories of your own to share. For many of us, just knowing that there are others who have lived to tell their stories with somewhat of a happy ending, is inspiration enough. Happy New Year!!!

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